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Silly Jokes
Tweet Topic Started: Feb 29 2008, 11:32 PM (1,942 Views)
Auntie Maine Aug 9 2008, 04:07 PM Post #81
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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Auntie Maine Aug 9 2008, 04:07 PM Post #82
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? W hat school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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Auntie Maine Aug 9 2008, 04:07 PM Post #83
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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Auntie Maine Aug 9 2008, 04:07 PM Post #84
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
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Auntie Maine Aug 9 2008, 04:08 PM Post #85
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATT ORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Auntie Maine Sep 9 2008, 09:38 PM Post #86
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Posted Image
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Julesy Sep 9 2008, 10:10 PM Post #87
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:ha
at the last one!

My sister sent me this one. If yall dont know my siblings refer to me as either Jules or Bubba. Bubba has been my nickname since I was like 6


Bubba Died

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in tTo confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'



The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'
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Auntie Maine Sep 10 2008, 12:18 PM Post #88
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:ha
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Denovissimus Sep 10 2008, 04:15 PM Post #89
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A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered,

BP

:chuckle
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Julesy Sep 10 2008, 10:33 PM Post #90
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I dont get it?

BP?

Bells Palsy?



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Rodney Sep 10 2008, 11:31 PM Post #91
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Say it out loud, Jules!

I'm not even native english speaker! you should totally get that play on letters/words!
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Auntie Maine Sep 12 2008, 07:20 PM Post #92
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yesterday as I was leaving to make some deliveriies my boss came to the door and yelled "Ice tea" to me.I knew she wanted and Ice tea from MacDonalds.being the funny man that i am...I got her tea,left it outside and came in and said"You sure are proud of your kidneys to shout out to me I pee." She looked at me funny for a second and said"You silly fucker,I said I said tea."I looked at her with a dumb look on my face then laughed and went outside to get her tea. :toot
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Rodney Sep 12 2008, 07:38 PM Post #93
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My kinda humour
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Auntie Maine Sep 12 2008, 09:27 PM Post #94
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:highfive We are so meant to be sisters.
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Rodney Sep 13 2008, 03:51 PM Post #95
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We could have been the Paris and Nicky hilton of Maine in an alternate universe
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Rodney Sep 13 2008, 03:55 PM Post #96
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Q. What is the difference between a sin and shame?
A. It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face


Q. Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
A. Cut off your head.

Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.


What did the left nut say to the right nut?
The guy in the middle thinks he is so hard!
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Denovissimus Sep 17 2008, 07:47 PM Post #97
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What does a dwarf get if he runs through Michele's legs?

Lost!


:toot

:ha
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Auntie Maine Sep 18 2008, 08:51 PM Post #98
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Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a
man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in
show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty
old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough,
Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also
survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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Auntie Maine Sep 21 2008, 06:20 PM Post #99
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A friend sent me this and I thought it was too funny. :clap Oh,and that dress is sooooo so very wrong. :shock

Posted Image

Posted Image
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Noname Sep 25 2008, 08:48 PM Post #100
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Denovissimus
Sep 17 2008, 07:47 PM
What does a dwarf get if he runs through Michele's legs?

Lost!


:toot

:ha

:clap :clap :ha :ha
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