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Silly Jokes
Tweet Topic Started: Feb 29 2008, 11:32 PM (1,945 Views)
Noname Mar 12 2008, 02:06 PM Post #21
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LOL!
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Auntie Maine Mar 16 2008, 05:09 PM Post #22
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A friend sent me this in an email.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it !)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes..
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, mayb e at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes.. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too..)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.
(and God love that pig!)
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Julesy Apr 24 2008, 10:44 PM Post #23
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9 Things I Hate About Everyone:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?





9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
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Auntie Maine Apr 28 2008, 11:21 PM Post #24
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I like number nine the best.
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Auntie Maine Apr 28 2008, 11:22 PM Post #25
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An old man walks into a bar and calls the bartender over. “What do you want, Sir?” ..The old man says “I’ll make a bet with you!” The bartender says “what kind of bet” the old man says. “ I bet you $20 I can bit my own ass”. The bartender says “OK; I’ll take that bet“. The old man pulls his dentures out and reaches back and bites him self on the ass. Well the bartender gets up sets. The old man tells the bartender “don’t worry I’ll give you a chance to win your money back “I’ll bet you $40 that I can bit my own eye“! . The bartender “upset” say’s your not going to pull your teeth out are you?” The old man says “Nope”. The bartender says. Well OK. The old man pop’s out his fake eye and bits down on it. . The bartender gets really pissed now and walks away. . Later the old man walks up to the bar and calls the bartender over and says “I feel really bad about what I did and I want to make it up to you. The bartender reluctantly asked “how”? The old man say I bet you I can stand at the end of your bar and piss in that shot glass all the way at the other end of your bar? . The bartender thinks about it for a bit thinking there’s no way. So he agrees. The old man climbs up onto the bar and drops his pants. As the old man try’s all he does is piss all over everything. The bar, stools and bottles as the bartender laughs his ass off. When the old was done he climbed down and pulled up his pants. The bartender walks up still laughing and picks his money up saying to the old man. I hope you learned your lesson old man. The old man grins a little and leans over to the bartender saying, I did. You see those guys in the corner? I bet them a $1,000.00 I could piss all over your bar and you’d just laugh your ass off about it.
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Auntie Maine May 13 2008, 02:12 AM Post #26
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Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

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Julesy May 13 2008, 02:18 AM Post #27
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hahaha Ive heard of the old man and the bartender.

my bro in law told this one sat. night playing pool.

An owner of a building is frustrated by the amount of pigeons shitting and hanging around his place that he asks the maintenece guy "Can you get rid of em?"
Maintenece guy says, 'Yes, but if you ask me how I did it, Ill charge you double."

The owner says "OK"

So, the maintence guy goes downstairs and comes back with a box containing a blue pigeon.
He lets it out and all the other regular pigeons follow it and the blue pigeon returns to its box alone. Regular pigeons dont come back.

The owner guy just has to ask "I know I said I wouldnt ask or risk paying double, but DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND A BLUE MEXICAN?"
:ha :ha :ha :ha
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Auntie Maine May 13 2008, 07:42 PM Post #28
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:shock :ha
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Denovissimus May 13 2008, 07:54 PM Post #29
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:ha
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Auntie Maine May 13 2008, 08:07 PM Post #30
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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
BARACK OBAMA:

The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!


JOHN MC CAIN:

My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.


HILLARY CLINTON:

When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.


OPRAH:

Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad.

So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


GEORGE W. BUSH:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:

That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


MARTHA STEWART:

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road?

Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the

chicken crossed the road, but

why it crossed I've not been told.


ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die in the rain. Alone.


JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'

That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.


GRANDPA:

In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS:

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:

I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:

I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:

Did I miss one?


DICK CHENEY:

Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:

Why are all the chickens white?

We need some black chickens.
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Denovissimus May 13 2008, 08:11 PM Post #31
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:ha

:clap
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Auntie Maine May 13 2008, 08:22 PM Post #32
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My favorite...

JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'

That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that. :ha
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Rodney May 14 2008, 09:26 PM Post #33
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Two statues, one the image of a man and the other of a woman, have been facing eachother for over 300 years.

One day, a bored angel comes down from the skies and brings them to life

"Listen up statues, you'll be alive for the next 30 minutes in which you can do whatever it is you wanted to do.

The two former statues don't waste any time and dissapear behind the shrubbery. A lot of heavy panting and giggling ensues and 15 minutes later they re-appear looking flustered and ever so slightly on the exhausted side. But, very happy indeed

"Well,-says the angel-" You still have 15 minutes left...."

The male statue looks at the female statue and says:"Shall we have another go?"
"Oh yes! Let's!"-exlaims the female "But, this time we change positions"

The male statue relents and says: "Oh...alright,then. This time, I will hold the pigeon down and you can shit on its head"
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Auntie Maine May 14 2008, 09:50 PM Post #34
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:chuckle I've heard that one before.
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Denovissimus May 15 2008, 01:27 AM Post #35
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Not me! :ha
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Julesy May 21 2008, 02:30 PM Post #36
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:ha :ha
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Noname May 28 2008, 11:16 PM Post #37
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:clap to Rodneys!

:yahoo to Dans!
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alondria May 29 2008, 09:10 PM Post #38
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not really i joke but i do like this


(Transcript of the Disney Heroine Round Table, 1992 Edition, held in King Stefan's Banquet Hall at Walt Disney World on Dec.1, 1992, Snow White moderating.)
Snow: Well, this is all tremendously exciting. Every decade or so, the nice folks at Disney sponsor a get-together with all the lead actresses of recent animated features. This gives us a chance to chat, exchange tips on how to clean house ...

Jasmine: Allah, give me strength.

Snow: ... and, over all, just get to know each other as girls.

Belle: Women.

Snow: Since I was the first full-length Disney heroine, they generally ask me to moderate. And I'd like to welcome this year's guests - Princess Jasmine from Aladdin ...

Jasmine: Is this going to take long?

Snow: Belle from Beauty and the Beast - and congratulations again on that Best Picture nomination.

Belle: Thank you. We were robbed. Losing to a cannibal - now, what does that say about society and its priorities? In the words of Sartre ...

Snow: And, of course, Ariel from The Little Mermaid.

Ariel: It's exciting to meet you, Snow.

Snow: Thank you. Uhm, you're dripping on my clean floor.

Ariel: Oh. Sorry.

Snow: We were also going to be joined by Olivia Flaversham, the plucky little heroine from The Great Mouse Detective. But we had a bit of a mishap, because someone on the panel couldn't control her rather large kitty cat.

Jasmine: Look, I already said I was sorry. I'm no happier about it than anybody else. If the damned invitation had said there were going to be mice running around, I wouldn't have brought Rajah along in the first place. OK? Let's move on.

Snow: I must say, before we start, that I admit my breath is a bit taken away by the changes in clothing styles for Disney heroines. With your little harem outfit, Jasmine, and you, Ariel, with your - shells - and both of you with all that skin hanging out: It seems a trifle - what's the word?

Belle: Sluttish?

Ariel: Oh, well, thanks a lot! Big talk from someone whose idea of a good time is sitting around in an apron talking to sheep.

Belle: You talk to fish.

Ariel: But they talk back.

Snow: Actually, I was going to say "daring" rather than "sluttish." But this really brings us to our first point of discussion: Namely, what do you think our role in movies today should be?

Jasmine: I'll tell you what it shouldn't be. It shouldn't be sitting around waiting for someone to "take you away from it all." I mean, come on. Could you see me singing, "Someday my prince will come"? Ack ack ack.

Snow: You don't have to stick your finger down your throat and gag, Jasmine. It happens to be a lovely song.

Ariel: Jasmine's right. Life isn't something that happens to you. Life is what you make happen. You have to take control. That's what I did.

Jasmine: Me, too.

Belle: So did I.

Jasmine: Oh, sure. Right.

Belle: I did! Really!

Ariel: Sure you did. First you walked around town, looking down your nose and talking about how provincial all these hard-working villagers are and how there has to be more to life than that. If Cruella De Vil had sung the exact same thing, people would have said it was the most arrogant song ever written.

Belle: But ...

Jasmine: And, while you said you want more out of life, you didn't do anything to get it.

Belle: Yes, I did! I gave up my liberty, sacrificing for my father! I promised I'd stay a prisoner in the Beast's castle, forever!

Ariel: Uh huh. And how long was it before you went running out the front door saying, "Promise or no promise, I can't stay here another minute"? A week? A month? A year?

Belle: Uhm ... well, actually ... about three, four hours, maybe. But there are such things as promises made under duress, and they're not always binding. Perhaps it's Machiavellian, but even so -

Jasmine: Well there's a woman of her word. Some heroine.

Snow: Ladies, I think we're getting off the topic.

Jasmine: Me, I defied my father. I had the guts to go against what he said and run off.

Ariel: Your father. Heh.

Jasmine: What's that supposed to mean?

Ariel: The two of you with your fathers. You defied yours, she sacrificed for hers. And you've both got these roly-poly, cute, comedy-relief fathers. Me, I've got the King of the Sea for mine. He throws around energy bolts and can bench press a whale. I'm the only one with real guts here.

Belle: More guts than brains, that's for sure. Cutting deals with the Sea Witch. There was a smooth move. Obviously, if you'd ever read anything by Marlowe, you'd've realized the folly of that.

Snow: Belle, who are all these people you're talking about?

Belle: Authors. Playwrights. Philosophers. Crack open a book, why don't you? You, too, Miss Turkish Trunks. And you too, Fishy.

Ariel: I read books. Human books.

Belle: Oh, right. You can't remember tough words like "feet" and you don't know why fire burns. How'd they miss having you on Jeopardy, I wonder. Oh, and here's a news flash for you: It's a fork, OK? A fork. You eat food with a fork. You don't comb your hair with it. If you combed your hair with it, it would be called a comb, not a fork. All right, Einstein?

Jasmine: Some of us have royal duties to attend to and don't have a lot of time for books.

Belle: That is so typical. You three are just typical elitist examples of the societal class structure. All of you, born to royalty. Bored children of privilege.

Snow: But you're royalty, too! At the end of the movie, you married ... uh ... what was his real name?

Belle: I ... don't know. Besides, I was talking about being born to entitlement. You lived your lives in castles, children of kings and queens - or at least kings, since there never seem to be any queens in Disney films. So you endured a couple of days of hardship, dabbling in the sort of life that I lived every single day, before you settled down with your prince. It's disgusting. Particularly you, Ariel, who totally subverted everything she was in order to be part of her man's world.

Ariel: Oh, yeah? You looked pretty comfortable strutting around in that big yellow gown at the end. I didn't see you fighting to remain a peasant.

Belle: That's all the underprivileged masses are to you, aren't they? Peasants? The Proletariat. In the words of Karl Marx -

Ariel: Oh, Lord, here she goes again.

Snow: Actually, this presents us with a topic that might not cause such bickering: Namely, what do you look for in a prince?

Ariel: Well, for me, it was love at first sight. I watched him dancing, and talking, and ... I just knew.

Jasmine: "I just knew. I just knew." A guy flashes a smile and a royal title at you, and you get mushy. Love at first sight is a convenient excuse not to think.

Snow: Some of us, Jasmine, are fortunate enough to meet our prince and be drawn to him immediately. Others of us turn princes into kitty treats for our tigers.

Jasmine: Some of us, Snow, prefer thinking. Ariel, your prince was heroic enough, but about as thick as a brick.

Ariel: Why, you ...

Jasmine: And you, Snow: You never so much as spoke to the guy. How could you possibly have known he was the man for you? What about him could possibly have drawn you to him?

Snow: If you want to know why I love him so, it's in his kiss.

Jasmine: That's where it is?

Belle: You're really pathetic, Snow, you know that? Not that I can stand Ariel or Jasmine, but Eric defeated Ursula, and Ariel went off with him. Aladdin defeated Jafar, and Jasmine married Aladdin. But the dwarves ...

Snow: Dwarfs.

Belle: Whatever. ... risked their lives for you - they adored you - and then some jerk prince comes along, gives you three seconds of liplock, and you abandon the dwarves ...

Snow: Dwarfs.

Belle: Whatever! ... and go riding off with him. What an ingrate.

Snow: Sniff.

Ariel: Oh, great. Now you made her cry.

Jasmine: She's a big girl. She can take it.

Ariel: That's about the kind of empathy I'd expect from someone who walks around in her pajamas all day.

Jasmine: Fish Face.

Ariel: Baklava Breath.

Belle: Ah, the upper class, displaying their typical -

Ariel and Jasmine: Shut up!

(A young blonde girl enters.)

Eilonwy: Excuse me? Am I too late for the meeting?

Snow: Who (sniffle) who are you?

Eilonwy: I'm Eilonwy. I'm a princess.

Belle: Oh, terrific. Another example of the -

Jasmine: I'm warning you, Belle: Rajah's still hungry.

Snow: I'm sorry, dear. You're who?

Eilonwy: Princess Eilonwy.

Snow: Well ... I don't know who sent you here, but this is for Disney heroines.

Eilonwy: But I am a Disney heroine. I was in The Black Cauldron.

(Blank stares from everyone.)

Ariel: The what?

Eilonwy: Based on The Chronicles of Prydain books ...

Snow: Books? Belle, I hate to ask ...

Belle: Oh, right, now they come groveling.

Jasmine: Rajah! Time for din -

Belle: OK, OK. It was a fantasy series by Lloyd Alexander.

Eilonwy: Right! And I was in the movie!

Jasmine: What movie?

Eilonwy: Oh, come on, didn't anyone see it? 1985? 80 minutes long? Supposed to usher in a new era of Disney animation?

Ariel: Actually, my film did that.

Jasmine: Oh, aren't we full of ourselves.

Eilonwy: Sword-and-sorcery epic? There was me and Taran the assistant pig-keeper, and Fflewddur Fflam ...

Jasmine: You must be joking.

Snow: No, wait! I remember now. I got a ticket for an advance screening. But I was busy that night, so I sent Happy instead.

Eilonwy: What did he think?

Snow: He hated it. I've never seen Happy complain that much - or at all. But he just kept talking about how awful it was. Grumpy finally had to slap him.

Eilonwy: That's not fair! We were groundbreaking!

Belle: Poor spoiled princess, just like all the others. Boo-hoo.

Jasmine: That's it. Rajah!

Rajah: Rawwrrrrr!!

Belle: Eeeeeekk!!

(Sebastian walks in.)

Sebastian: Ariel, da king wants to know how long - eeepp!

Rajah: Raarrrr!

Belle: Let me out! Let me out!

Sebastian: Ohhh, mon!

Ariel: Put him down! I mean it!

Jasmine: Pajamas, huh?

Snow: You know, these discussion groups used to be fun. Me and Cindy, we'd sit and chat for hours. Sure, Aurora would keep dozing off ...

Belle: Shut up! Knock off that high-pitched little-girl voice! It's making me nuts! And get me the hell out of here!

Snow: Well, I hope you'll all join us for our next discussion group -

Sebastian: Arrrieellll!

Rajah: *Chomp* *Chomp*

Ariel: Jasmine! Make him spit him out! Right now!

Snow: It's going to be called, "Life's a Bitch, and So Am I." Participants will be Lady from Lady and the Tramp, Perdita from 101 Dalmatians, and Georgette from Oliver and Company. I'm sure the fur will really fly. Thanks for coming. Hi ho, hi ho.

Rajah: *Urrrp*.

(Above text by Peter David, But I Digress column, Comics Buyer's Guide #998; January 1, 1993)
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Noname May 30 2008, 04:06 PM Post #39
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Glorious Witch
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Auntie Maine Jun 7 2008, 03:06 PM Post #40
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Bitchy Witch
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A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks
up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!
:ha
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