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So, I'm watching a Sonic '06 LP.
Topic Started: Apr 10 2009, 09:31 AM (459 Views)
Robtcee13
I am a fish.
It looks absolutely pathetic. You actually have to buy things, and you actually have to wear something called "Custom Shoes", as if they couldn't think of anything better. The cutscenes look great, but the gameplay, by comparison, looks incredibly bland. And why the FUCK is there a loading screen for one line of dialog? Seriously? The introduction is below.


Ahehem...




Quote:
 
In the beginning, there was a goon who was very fond of Sonic games. This goon had an idea: play through Sonic The Hedgehog 2006 from start to finish in one sitting.

What gave him this idea, you may ask? Well, he had heard many things about Sonic 2006, all of them negative. A game universally panned by the gaming press, its GameRankings score of 45% was supported by tales of terrible controls, a terrible camera, an even worse story, and the longest and most pointless load times this side of the new millennium.

Yet, as a Sonic game fan, he had heard these complaints in the past about the previous four 3D Sonic games. And while those games did have their quirks, they had plenty of charm, and plenty of addictive gameplay, and were overall great games (except for Sonic Heroes). So, he thought to himself, maybe the reviewers are exaggerating like they did for the previous games. Maybe this game is simply mediocre.

So, our intrepid goon set off on his adventure, gathering the necessary items to begin his quest. A borrowed PS3, a rental copy of Sonic 2006, and a posse of 4 daring goon adventurers. Hopes were high as the quest began, but it soon became clear that the goon wasn't dealing with a mediocre game, he was dealing with a trainwreck of the highest caliber.

The posse pressed forward, sequestering the necessary nutrition that would give them ideas. Ideas that they could use. One member left the quest party at this point, but the remaining 4 would not give up until this game was completed.

As time went on, hopes were repeatedly crushed. At several points, it seemed that all hope was lost, and that this project would come to an early demise. But the posse pressed on.

Finally, after countless hours, the game was done, and a new legend was born: Let's Play Sonic 2006


http://www.viddler.com/explore/Pokecapn/videos/1/

You can find the rest of the videos from there I hope.
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Maltese
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Fire 1, fire 2, fire 1, fire 2....
God I love pokecapn.

Have you watched KungFuJesus' playthrough of God Hand? HE was hilarious in that.
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Robtcee13
I am a fish.
Yeah, he's pretty funny, actually. I was pleasantly surprised. Pokecapn, at least. And damn, does he make this game look unplayable. That was sorta my point. I mostly wanted TUM to come in here and say that it's not that bad, or point out the good in the game, or something.
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The Ultramind12
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Fist of the North Star
Point out the good in the game?

Well I suppose being able to walk through a shuttle loop, in blatant defiance of physics, is pretty funny.

In all seriousness, my experience of the game wasn't plagued by fifty bajillion horrible fatal glitches, so perhaps I'm just lucky.

No, my deaths were generally from the really mean level layout. Being hit by sand-wave thrown spike balls is painful, you know.

Being hit by them FIFTY THOUSAND TIMES is even more painful.
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Robtcee13
I am a fish.
"Let's run straight up!"

Anyway, you actually found the game playable? I dunno, I picture people just saying "fuck it", returning it, and never playing a Sonic game again, once they reach the train level.

---

Take notice, it's a block with a question mark on it...
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The Ultramind12
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Fist of the North Star
It was actually kind of fun occasionally. Stretching occasionally to the bare minimum here...

Mmm, catching twenty missiles with telekinesis and throwing them at something. Ah, glorious destruction. Silver's hover thing needs longer range though.

Also Raid: Evil Monster can go fuck itself. The ONE mission I never managed to S rank. FUUUUUUCK YOU.
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Robtcee13
I am a fish.
You went back to S Rank everything? You masochistic son of a bitch.
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The Ultramind12
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Fist of the North Star
The missions, not the damn levels. The missions were easy as balls.

Except Raid: Evil Monster, where no matter how hard I tried, the highest I could get was, I believe, 1000 points below an S rank. Which is about a second off.

It is absolutely fucking impossible to do that mission any faster than I did.
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Robtcee13
I am a fish.
Oh. Missions. You masochistic son of a bitch. Sitting through 4 god damn loading screens for each failed S rank has to suck.
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The Ultramind12
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Fist of the North Star
Well there wasn't a whole lot of that.

... Except the "put the apples in the barrels" one. That one, admittedly, took me a few tries to figure out. Once I figured it out, though, insta-S rank.

The main thing about 06 is that it gave us such wonderful songs like His World, Dreams of an Absolution, and Crush 40's version of All Hail Shadow.

And it started what seems to be a trend of using an instrumental, orchestrated version of the main theme for the final boss. His World and Endless Possibilities orchestrated were plenty awesome, so what's next?

Also, lo and behold I actually LIKE Silver. Some people say he looks like a fancharacter, but seriously I defy you to find a fan character that actually looked like him before the game came out. For that matter, I defy you to find a fancharacter that looks like him anyway, since so many people are too lazy to actually bother with modding a sprite to look anything like him.

... I'll also mention that hating him because of anything he did in Sonic 06 is not a legitimate reason to hate him, as Sonic 06 mercifully did not happen. His real first appearance was in Sonic Rivals.

And now, he needs to show up again so he can explain why the hell there seems to be two Eggman Negas, one from the future and one from Blaze's universe.

Or maybe they're both the same person and he can somehow traverse time and space and likes to confuse people.

OR! Sonic Rivals was yet another branch of canon and Silver STILL hasn't shown up in mainstream.

My brain hurts now.
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Robtcee13
I am a fish.
I'll agree with the instrumental main themes being awesome for boss fights, but His World was terrible. I don't think a single person other than you would disagree with me. I had to sit through the credits while it played at a low volume with them talking over it and I couldn't stand ANY aspect of the vocals at all.

Also, is ANYTHING in the game original or not glitched to hell? They actually stole Flashman's music and remixed it, and there are a ton of things that reference Zelda. One of the songs is apparently directly taken from Chrono Trigger. It's like they just said "Fuck it" and decided not to think of anything on their own? Or maybe they heard His World and realized their music staff was worthless and just covered the rest of the songs.

Including His World for the final boss. <_<
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Robtcee13
I am a fish.
From that thread, there spawned a number of challenges. This one involves the final boss of Sonic 3, and how, after he was defeated, he was able to run AT THE SAME SPEED as Sonic, to escape. Here are the winning entries.

Quote:
 
Honorable mention and 1 point goes to Maxwell Adams for the following:

    Robotnik can outrun Sonic if he is properly prepared. His unusual body contains several speed bladders, which contain excess fast. If he has enough velocity stored up he'll be able to outrun even Sonic in a short sprint.

Honorable mention and 1 point goes to timeandtide for a well-researched essay:

    You fucking faggot moron shiteaters. I'm fucking sick of reading your faggot theories. I'm pulling out a copy of my professor's analysis of Sonic the Motherfuckin Hedgehog. I thought it was lame at first, but I guess there's some limp-wristed "theorists" who need to be shown that their theory is just that: a theory. I'm even throwing in the bitch's bibliography just in case you doubt his shit.

    A Hedgehog in Motion Stays in Motion; Doctors Don't
    by Harold Bloom

    Chili dogs are the missing factor.

    Sonic was given super speed by consuming one, and his power is only kept up by eating them sporadically.

    Dr. Eggman/Robotnik consumes almost six-point-o-five times as many chili dogs, therefore he runs faster--though his supply is severely drained by these acts. This brings into question a loop theory, that is, that Robotnik is fat because he must travel fast and he must travel fast because he is fat. It is a vicious cycle of no escape for the poor doctor, so thus he created this "Eggman" persona to deal with his own faults and the stress placed on him, a shadowy speed demon creature much as Rouge was created out of the desires of Knuckles to experience the feminine mystique in his life following the death of his mother.

    All other theories are simply untested psychobabble, foolish dreams, and overly complicated imaginations dreamed up by the same morons who profess a belief in the "Tails as a Christ figure" and "Eggman/Robotnik as a metaphor for global capitalism" camps (for one, it is patently obvious to any but a fool that it is Blaze and Silver who stand-in as dual Christ figures, sacrificing their roles in the future to save the past; clearly Knuckles, the stout and brutal animal who must guard his gems all his life fearing their theft, who represents Western interests compared to Eggman/Robotnik's more vulgar).

    Bibliography

    Cameron, James. The Terminator. Terminator 2: Judgment Day. 1983, 1992.

    Ferris, William. A Spectator of Thebes: The Search for Sonic in Our Lives. New York: Doubleday, 1987.

    Whitmore, Mulligan. In the Shadow of Speed: A Pediatrician's Thoughts on the Blue and the Deranged. New York: Knopf, 1995.

    Zemle, Patricia. Me and Me: Visions of Two Selves Across Media. Washington: Green Tree Press, 1999.

    There you motherfuckin have it. Now enough of this "scholarly" bullshit.

Third place and 3 points goes to Mystic Cave zOWNd for this keen observation:
quote:

    ROBOTNIK IS SHAPED LIKE AN OSTRICH. OSTRICHES RUN FAST AS FUCK. Q.E.D.

Second place and 4 points goes to Schwarzwald and his logical dissection:
quote:

    To expound on this theory I will state that Robotnik is a form of undead known as a lich. As all liches, Robotnik has evaded death by trapping his mortal soul in a phylactery, or rather a series of phylacterys. For you see, Robotnik's soul in contained in nothing less than the Chaos Emeralds. Infact, this is the only reason the Emeralds have any power at all.

    This is also why Robotnik always loses. By establishing himself as an evil person, and by constantly voicing his goal of capturing the Chaos Emeralds and perverting their power, he has given the Chaos Emeralds a need to be protected.

    Unbeknownst to Sonic, all his speed and "chaos control" is a magical effect Robotnik purposefully bestowed unto him. Robotnik never actually intends to succeed in his ridiculous plans; he only makes a show of stealing the Emeralds and being stopped by Sonic.

    After recapturing the Emeralds, Sonic becomes that much more determined to guard them more closely.

    Robotnik's only weakness, the seven phylacterys carrying his soul, are now quite safe.


Finally, first place and 5 points goes to YeOldeButchere for this sobering exposition:
quote:

    That's easy. It's fear. Picture this:

    You're an industrialist, trying to modernize a backward planet and raise up standards of living through the use of technology, for the common good. One day, some of your industrial robots are blown up by a sentient, supersonic blue hedgehog. That's scary as fuck. Now, said hedgehog has it in his head that you're a monster who's turning animals into robots and wants to take over the world and oppress it, in large part because of all the steroids, speed, colloidal silver, and other assorted shit he's been taking in massive quantities for the past decade. You decide to see if you can't reason with the guy, but for your troubles you get assaulted, and your ride gets trashed beyond recognition.

    So you decide to deal with this like you would with any other pest problems: You put out some traps, like spike pits, modify a couple of your robots with .22 rifles, etc. The way you'd deal with any rodent, really. Soon enough, the hedgehog gets himself impaled, and you're done. Or so you think. Soon after, despite having quite clearly been drained of his precious bodily fluids, he's back and trashing your robots again. Maybe the other one was some sort of decoy? No matter, you're taking this into your own hands. You modify your ride, mad max style, adding a couple of guns, some spikes, missile, slowly swinging giant balls, that kind of stuff. Then you roll. You meet the hedgehog and after a brief struggle where he manages to make one or two lucky hits on spots you haven't really bothered armoring, you make him into thin gruel. This time you're sure he's done for.

    How wrong you are. Soon after, he's back. You can't believe it. You try to kill him yourself once more, but this time he seems to know where to strike. He seems to know when to strike. He seems to know when you'll strike. Once you realize that, you try to change your attack patterns, but it's too late, he's done enough damage to blow up your vehicle, and you barely escape with your life. For the next few days, he follows you, destroying everything you throw at him, and it's obvious he won't stop until he gets you. You can't sleep. You watch as he destroys everything you've done to help people: one after another, chemical plants, oil refineries, amusement parks, all you've built, gets blown up by this satanic, unholy, immortal demon from the deepest pits of hell. When you do manage to take him out, he's back within hours.

    Eventually, as you're trying to escape to the one place where you think you're safe, space, he defeats one of your latest creation, and for the first time, you're face to face with him. There's no steel plate protecting you. There's no vertical distance. He's there, staring at you with those empty, demonic eyes.

    You run like you've never run before. You just fucking run.
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The Ultramind12
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Fist of the North Star
People are still talking about that seriously?

It's a goddamn gameplay mechanic. Jesus christ.
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Robtcee13
I am a fish.
Actually it was just a challenge given out for fun, rather than a serious brainstorming of theories.
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Robtcee13
I am a fish.
http://www.viddler.com/explore/pokecapn/videos/47/

Junk. Junk. Junk. Seriously. How the fuck did you sit through this shit?
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Robtcee13
I am a fish.
Ending. This is good. Spoilers, but the ending is so much bullshit you probably don't care.







Okay, so the world gets destroyed, Sonic dies, then you have to go through the most retarded bullshit levels ever. Sonic revives, you fight a pathetically easy final boss, put out the fire that caused time travel to exist in the first place, which causes everything to reset as though the game never happened. What the bullshit is that? I mean, as happy as I am that a game like this isn't canon, or fit into a timeline at all, what the fuck? That's just... What the fuck.
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The Ultramind12
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Fist of the North Star
That was someone on the storywriting team going, "Holy shit what have we done? This game needs to have not happened."
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Robtcee13
I am a fish.
I guess. You'd think they could've just, y'know, not released it or something. Or made the final episode actually possible.
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master4sword
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Hail Hydreigon
Admin
Robtcee13,Apr 11 2009
02:42 PM
"Let's run straight up!"

Anyway, you actually found the game playable? I dunno, I picture people just saying "fuck it", returning it, and never playing a Sonic game again, once they reach the train level.

---

Take notice, it's a block with a question mark on it...

can i hax block?
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