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| War!; Title could change | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jul 24 2006, 08:09 PM (677 Views) | |
| OOTFAN | Jul 24 2006, 08:09 PM Post #1 |
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Llamas PWN you
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Part 1 of 3 in my series, World War 3. Originally to be an RP, changed to a fan-fic. Note- All names in this story are fictional and are not based on my names or any others Intro- How It Started In the year 2007, the U.S. finally moved out of Iraq, just to see a dictator come to power in summer 2014, his name was Dara Behruz. But this was no normal dictator. He had many terrorists on his side, and many weapons (Including Bio weapons) at his disposal, but he had no nuclear weapons...yet. Iran meanwhile, after creating a key ingredient to the nuclear bomb in 2006, had been working on a nuclear bomb for a while. They finally got it done in 2011. Then, in Spring 2015, Iraq invaded Iran, attempting to get to the nuclear weapons. The attack was very surprising, nobody knew except a select few very loyal (to Behruz) knew about it till the day of the attack, though the soldiers had been getting ready for "training missions" the day before. Iraq easily conquered Iran before the U.S. could do anything about it, and they didn't move in because of nuclear threats. The U.S. had only one option. On December 21st, 2015, the U.S. nuked Iraq and Iran. Many countries were very angry, despite the nuclear threat. Iran and Iraq were big suppliers of gas, and this hurt some economies including Russia and China. On May 17th, 2016, China cut off all trade with the U.S. Now the U.S. was mad because of this, but there was still Canada and Mexico to trade with. Of course, China began to realize the cost of this action. And when the U.S. hesitated to open up trade connections again, China began to took action. First, they made a treaty with Russia and a few other countries. Japan didn't take part of the treaty though. Then, on June 13th, 2017, they invaded the United States. The U.S. caught wind of the attack before it was too late, and began preparing. And so, the war started.... Chapter 1- Defending the U.S Many citizens were evacuated to the northern states and canada, places where the war wasn't at. Me and my troop of 5 men were deployed in eastern U.S., California, that was where the main part of the invasion was. There were also small numbers to the west, but that wasnt my job to handle. My name is Ryan Tucker, I am a soldier in the U.S. military. I am 21 years old, and I lead a small troop, 5 men plus me. We were deployed to eliminate any enemy soldiers from attacking any innocents from getting killed or damaging any buildings or objects. So the plane carried us, as we sat down, watching below as other troops shot at enemies. And then we heard gunshots, close, and a small explosion. Our plane started to descend. I looked outside to see an enemy plane. "crap!" I said. I grabbed a parachute, like most of the others. The pilot didnt though, still attempting to make the plane ascend. "Come on!" urged my fellow soldier. "Hold on...I almost got it..." the pilot said. Two of my troopers had already jumped, we were descending...fast. I grabbed my rifle, an M16, it had four modes. One- Rapid shot, a machine gun style. Second, single shot. It was a quick reloading single shot. Third was the single shot shotgun, stronger than the normal single shot but longer to reload. Plus it was shorter range. And then we had our trusty grenade launcher equipped to it. "COME ON!" he urged. But the pilot kept insisting that he could raise it. "Forget it, lets go!" I said. I put on the parachute, made sure my fellow trooper was behind me, and jumped. Luckily a roof with no enemies was below me. I landed on it safely, my trooper right behind me. But where were the others? I saw two jump out...but the third was still on the plane! I was in such a rush that I'd forgot him. He had been in the back, searching for another parachute. I then saw something floating to the right, it was him, luckily. But then, gunshots. He seemed to be shot once or twice, and his parachute was shot. He fell to his death. "Damn it" Jacob said, my fellow trooper. His name was Jacob Richards. "Come on" I said, signaling to a door leading to the third floor in the three story building we were on. We ran down, just to run into a few enemies. We quickly shot them down, catching them off-gaurd. As we opened the door to go outside, we heard an explosion. We quickly shut the door and looked through the window. The tallest building in the area was just bombed. Another explosion, and it started to fall. Luckily, it didnt fall in our direction, otherwise it would have reached us, some debris falling on us. "Damn it, these guys are stronger than I thought" I said, panting from running down to this floor from the third. "Yea, they have a lot more supplies and resources than I thought" Jacob replied. Little did we know, we were in for a living hell. And this was just our first mission, and a fairly easy one at that. I would have never signed up for this job if I knew what was to come..... Chapter 2 coming tomorrow....maybe >.> |
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| Angel_Of_Death | Jul 24 2006, 09:55 PM Post #2 |
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Zombie Whore
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... When I first read this, I almost thought that this thread may have something of value. I read this 'fan-fic' three times; partially because I believed that a merciful God would not allow such a horrid excuse of future political drivel to be produced from any sentient being. I am sad to say that I was wrong. This is total crap, and I am sorry that I have ever wasted my time on this. Do you know anything about the US, and its deployment policies? We ALWAYS keep troops in countries that we have conquered; meaning that any kind of 'dictator' (and in this case, I use that term lightly) could never come to power; we would (and have several times in the past) crush any kind of dictator uprising. Hell, even if someone could take out all of our troops, we would make a pre-emptive strike on them; saying that it's a threat to our security. Now, this alone shows that you fail. But, wait, there's more. America is (despite my reservations on the subject) not stupid enough to nuke a country, let alone two. You do realize that there are oil/areas where we have invested/innocent people (!?!), right? We are a nation that is not stupid to watch billions of dollars go up in a mushroom cloud. Also, think of the backlash from the international community. It would be catastrophic for us. We would loose extreme amounts of cash as investors pulled out worldwide, which could cripple our economy (and contrary to popular belief, we actually need that.) Again, you fail. However, I cannot stop there. China would not cut off trade with us. We invest heavily in them, and vice versa. Along with that, Russia does not hate us enough to betray us. Putin may dislike Bush, but so does the majority of the world. It's about as likely as Britain siding with China and Russia. Or France. You should have made some crack at France in this Fic-- judging by this, it isn't above you. If you have studied Post WWII Germany, they had (and still today) US & International troops stationed in almost every key city. Iraq will be exactly the same; we can't even control it now, and we will have to keep troops for several decades. In short, this entire idea is total BS. I've noted several errors in spelling/grammar in this. Ever considered copying and pasting it into MS Word? It actually might help you. In short, this is total garbage. I would suggest that you destroy your computer, and try to find a career that involves as little creative writing or politics as possible. My suggestion: Monastery in Siberia. That would be a good life for someone like you. I wish you good luck, and happy hunting. To All Mods/Adims: Edit: Never mind; I still value my account. Ignore my comment. Edit: This post is dedicated to Jason Marlis. I thank him for his wonderful teaching skills, and his cynical attitude that has inspired me to note how much people suck time and time again. Jason, this is for you. |
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Some might say that they don't believe in hevan Well, go and tell that to the man who lives in hell | |
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| Rarog | Jul 24 2006, 10:57 PM Post #3 |
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If my life is sin, heaven must be boring as hell
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Well, congrats. Angel_of_death has informed me that you burned out his occipital nerves. That takes alot of work. I read this story, like I try to read all stories. As an author myself, I try to give every piece of work the respect it deserves, because it's a consideration not many people give. And so, with this in mind, I shall put my observations and thoughts to pixel. Let us begin with the very core of your story, its background. While the idea of a short lived (and I put emphasis on Short Lived) dictator is indeed possible, the probablity of it occuring is worse than the chances of our president speaking a coherent, unscripted sentence lasting longer than "I like tax cuts". In fact, if we look at history, we can see that it is more likely for an American dictator to rise than an iraqi one. In the past, certain events are precursors to the rise of dictators, just as swirling clouds and FEMA's blunderings are precursors to hurricanes. Some of these precursors include: The destruction of rights: We may not be here yet, but with the renewal of the patriot act, our rights could be stripped and we would be able to do nothing but whine. Wait a minute, it has happened! We're holding US citizen illegaly and without any recourse in a foreign country while we torture them because they May be terrorist! Wundabar, ja? Removal of the 'loyal disent': This may be a foreign concept to you, but it is the concept that a person can dissagree with the goverment and still be a patriot, because they care enough to think and consider. Nowadays, people like them are told to 'Get out' because we disagree. Because we care. "To announce there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president Right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public"-Theodore Roosevelt Fanaticism: We are no longer fighting a war against terror. We are fighting a war against single mindedness. On both sides, the warrior proclaims that he can do no wrong, because god and country are on his side. There can be no compramise between these two fools, only a long and deadly war. And there will be no winners, only survivors. And the survivors may not be the lucky ones. Fear: We live in a fear filled world. Noone feels secure. All it would take is a strong voice, and we would all follow like sheep. And why not? They would offer us safety, security, and all they ask in return are our wings. Our freedoms. Perhaps our lives. That is how Hitler, Stalin, Sadam, and the talaban were all able to grab power, and our country could do it too. All these things have occured in the past, right before a dicator took power. There are other precursors, but these are the relivant ones. </rant#1> I could go on about how a dictator would not be able to hold power, or why china wouldn't break ties with us, but AOD already covered that. Ok. Now to the story: It was well constructed, sort of. It was fairly descriptive and I liked the action. Technincally, it would be impossible to have an efficent means of firing shotgun or flechette rounds from an M-16, even if it was modified. But all around, it was a good story, if you ignored the backstory. The background really killed it. So, chin up, good writing, and try again. I eagerly await another story from you. Good luck -Rarog |
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Until the twentith century, reality was everything that humans could see, hear, touch, smell, or taste. Since the intial publictation of the charted electromagnetic spectrum, humans have learned what they see, hear, touch, smell, and taste is less than a millionth of reality | |
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| Angel_Of_Death | Jul 24 2006, 11:53 PM Post #4 |
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Zombie Whore
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Oh, I do as well. That story made me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. It's a similar feeling I get when I kick a small puppy. Those kinds of things, ya know? |
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Some might say that they don't believe in hevan Well, go and tell that to the man who lives in hell | |
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| Roran Khushrenada | Jul 25 2006, 08:49 AM Post #5 |
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Domiwaitus westul motobilum
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I have to agree with Angel_of_Death. This wouldn't happen like you've said. However, you can make up for that if you do a good job with the action sequences. Get the audience focused on what's going on, not how it happened. There are always critics, so don't expect all positive replies. Remember, critics are good for something. When you need someone to decapitate, you know where to find them. When you engage 'enemies' don't only use the word enemies. Say like chineese(sp?), hostiles, ect.. As well, when you say you dispatch enemy units, go a bit more into detail about the individual engagements. Like, you move [insert name] over behind a fallen wall, and [insert name] against another wall, and crouch down on one knee to make yourself less of a target, before they spot you, and start firing, at which time, all your units return fire, many shots missing, but [insert name] scores a hit in the shoulder, allowing you time to lob a grenade behind the sand bags the little oriental is hiding behind. I'm not very good at fan fics, but you get the idea. Story has potential. |
| Carpe Nocturnum! | |
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| OOTFAN | Jul 25 2006, 09:03 AM Post #6 |
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Llamas PWN you
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Is the backstory really THAT bad? >.> I might forget about this story and write a WWII story instead, I just wanted to do a wawr story, and it was originally suppost to be an RP, and the story got positive replies when I wrote the RP (Story for the rp was just the backstory for this). Yea, I might continue on with this, I might do a new one, maybe both. I havent wrote one of these in a long time, and I felt like writing one. So ya
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| Rarog | Jul 25 2006, 10:17 AM Post #7 |
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If my life is sin, heaven must be boring as hell
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I look forward to reading it if you post it! |
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Until the twentith century, reality was everything that humans could see, hear, touch, smell, or taste. Since the intial publictation of the charted electromagnetic spectrum, humans have learned what they see, hear, touch, smell, and taste is less than a millionth of reality | |
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| Angel_Of_Death | Jul 25 2006, 11:14 AM Post #8 |
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Zombie Whore
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This is fine. However, please refrain from usuing names like 'Henrich Von Killistein', 'Adolf das Bibieater', etc. Also, avoid usuing 'Von' or 'stein'. Most Germans don't have those in thier names, anyway. I look foreward to seeing your new fan-fic. |
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Some might say that they don't believe in hevan Well, go and tell that to the man who lives in hell | |
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| OOTFAN | Jul 25 2006, 11:17 AM Post #9 |
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Llamas PWN you
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I got the name Dara Behruz from a random name generator >.> I couldnt think of a name that would come from over there |
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| {NJ} ALBA7R055 | Jul 25 2006, 11:17 AM Post #10 |
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<.< *Sigh last one was a little to long ._________.
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Wiuth Bush in power, its possible we may Nuke ourselves <_< Seriously though, that was a good start, much better than I can do... |
Musou Tentie's appoximate appearence.![]() | |
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